Diarrhea Dooms Date

4th date. Dinner + Movie

Okay, so it’s been a stressful couple of weeks. And my culinary choices haven’t been optimal. For example, on Wednesday, my menu solely consisted of a cinnabon, a small bag of Dale & Thomas caramel popcorn, and a 20 oz Strawberry Wirl from Jamba Juice. Completely yummy, completely filling, and completely UNnutritious.

So I thought I was doing my body good by finally ordering something green at the small soul food joint that my date suggested.

Yeah right.

A couple hours later, about an hour into the movie, my stomach begins to churn in that ominous, painful way that’s impossible to ignore. So I discretely excuse myself to the restroom, and think I’m home free.Only thing is, I’ve been gone from my seat for longer than the average time allotted for a bathroom trip. So I get a text from my date: “Is everything okay?”

Um. Embarrassing.

So I tell him that I was standing in the back of the theater…because it was too dark to find my seat again…and then got caught up in the move…and just stood there…in the back of theater. Yes, it was a stupid alibi. But he seemed to buy it. So, I’m good right?

Hell no.

My stomach still had a point to make. And half an hour later, I was forced with the dilemma. Stay seated, and ignore it (impossible) or get up yet AGAIN from my seat, crawl over the people in the overcrowded theater AGAIN and go to the bathroom AGAIN. What's a classy girl to do?

True. I’m human. It happens to everyone. I understand this. But this is not the impression I’m trying to leave with this guy--the fact that I'm not really into him matters not. There's NO way that I was about to tell the dude I what's really going on. Such revelations are reserved only for immediate family members and really, REALLY close friends/significant others, and even then, it's on a need to know basis.

So what did I do? I grabbed my purse, made up an excuse about being sleepy, said good-bye and hightailed it out of the theater and back into the bathroom. Before leaving, I sent him a text saying that I’d had a great time, but was really sleepy and was headed home.

Yeah, it was fucked up to leave the guy in the middle of the theater. But the way I see it, I didn’t really have any other option. Especially since if I’d gone back into the theater, I may have even have had to get up again and there would've been NO way to explain that one.

So I ignored his 15+ phone calls/texts that night ranging from pathetic inquires: “what did I do to deserve this? (“this,” apparently being deserting him in the middle of the movie theater) to calm pleas to come over to my house to discuss what happened. I also ignored the buzzer when he actually SHOWED UP at my house. Thank goodness I beat him there. (Obviously, I had to take a cab home to ensure that I arrived to the safe confines of my own bathroom swiftly and promptly).

It’s sad, because he was a perfect gentleman the whole time we dated. We could’ve enjoyed a few more weeks together before I let him know that I wasn’t really attracted to him and was relegating him to the friend zone.Plus, I’m sure that he now thinks of me as the nutty bitch with poor interpersonal skills who just up and left him in the movie theater.
But I prefer that to him actually knowing the truth. Because that’s sooo not classy. And way too nasty. Even for me.